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January 10, 2007

I have to share this list with you. I got it off of an email list that I am on, so I have no idea if they came from the cited source, but they are hysterical and somebody wrote them, even if it wasn’t high school students. And just in case you wanted to know, my favorites are #’s 4, 8, 11 & 17.

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high schoolessays.These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners…

  1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef
  5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
  9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
  12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other fromTopekaat 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
  15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
  16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two humming birds who had also never met.
  17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
  18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.
  21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
  23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
  25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

On the homefront, Isabel has made the move up to sleeping upstairs in her regular bed in the room she shares with Maddy. She has slept there every night, all night since New Year’s, with no crying or difficulty. Juliana is doing wonderfully with potty-training. She has been consistent during the day, with one or two accidents on a typical day and she has been dry at night the majority of the time. One night last week she refused to wear a diaper and I reluctantly put on training pants and waterproof cover with a water-repellent cover on her part of the bed. She stayed dry that night and I was very relieved because I didn’t sleep so well envisioning her peeing all over the bed! I do believe that she will be fully potty-trained before Isabel, thank goodness. I don’t want to be potty-training a four-year old again. I’m so glad we homeschool; I have visions of us having to send her to kindergarten in Pull-ups if we didn’t. And with Maddy we are still adjusting to her new curriculum. It is hard to adjust to more structure, though.

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