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May 11, 2004

I have been thinking a lot about my cousin-in-law, Adriana, and her mom, Camilla, who is doing poorly. It makes me very sad. I haven’t seen Camilla more than a handful of times, and it has been years since I have seen her, but I am a daughter and I have empathy for what it is taking out of Adriana (and the rest of the family) to cope with Camilla’s illness.

It makes my heart shiver to think about a beautiful, vibrant person being taken away slowly. It makes me wonder about the randomness (and sometimes seemingly unfairness) of illness and death. For instance, my paternal grandmother was a wonderful lady. I still miss her so much. She was ill for many years before she died and she died in her early 60’s. I know another lady (fairly well) who was mean and nasty and she lived until her early 90’s. Why was my grandma the one who was taken earlier and didn’t get to see her grandchildren grow up and her great-grandchildren born?

Then I have also been watching Family Plots, which has a lot of funny parts, but has a lot of really touching parts, too. I mean it is a show about a mortuary. They show real dead people and coffins and their families. You think about what the families must be going through, who this person might have been who died.

Which of course brings me to my own mortality and that of my family and it scares the crap out of me. My family is so important to me. I would be devastated to lose one of them. What about me? When I die where will I go? I believe in an afterlife, but how exactly does it work?

I lost two family members last year and it was very difficult, my first one was my great-uncle, Sabine Ulibarri, he died in early January after a battle with cancer. My second one was my maternal grandmother, Jane, in May; hers was rather unexpected and we weren’t very close, but it was still a big loss.

These ponderings are incongruous with spring and new beginnings.

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